Feelings … whoooa, feelings.

Somewhere in my MSMS days, I took the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, and I came up as an ENTP, which was jokingly called the ENgineering Type Personality. “Cool,” I thought, “I’m going into the right field.”

As it turns out, my T score really was, as I now understand it, a repression of just how much I am ruled by emotion rather than logic. Some of you who know me may dispute this, but let me tell you … here inside me, my heart wins out over my head all the doggone time. I really am an ENFP, or what the Keirsey folks call a champion.

Where this plays out as a problem with me is that I often end up feeling overwhelmed by the intensity of the emotions that I feel about things. A case in point is today: Misty posts a photo of Eli on the way to his first day of school, and well, it makes me cry. Misty was incredulous, but I yam what I yam.

This is, perhaps, the most important thing that I’ve learned about myself in therapy. I sabotage myself when I get overly emotional, because I think I can’t handle it and/or shouldn’t be feeling this [sadness|happiness|fear|anger] so intensely, and so I try to cut it off. That’s acting against type, and honestly, it’s just about the worst response that I can give myself—because then I seek to numb things out a bit. And if you’ve taken one look at me, you might imagine that I do this by stuffing something in my pie hole.

I’m learning to just ride the waves as they come, because they will eventually go away. If I try to cut it off—or worse, bottle it—it gets even worse. I’m tired of it being worse.

And so concludes this introspection that you didn’t really ask for me to perform. Now, don’t ask me about the bullshit decision by the CCHA today—I’m still too angry to talk about that rationally.