Riley: Bulldogs Considered Harmful

UGA V - MONTGOMERY, ALA. (IJSM): Alabama Governor Bob Riley convened an emergency session of the Alabama Legislature this morning to pass a resolution stating that bulldogs were no longer allowed as pets in the state of Alabama, for fear that the state’s football players might be harmed.

“After the mauling last week by Mississippi’s bulldogs down on the plains, and then last night’s mauling by Georgia’s dogs in Tuscaloosa, we just had to take a stand,” said Riley in a press conference held on the Capitol steps Sunday afternoon. “We’re here to say that, in Alabama, bulldogs are considered harmful.”

State Senate leader Lowell Barron (D-Fyffe) followed Riley to the microphone. “We support the governor in this cause,” remarked Barron. “Shoot, Senator Bishop called me crying last night, and I decided we could bury the hatchet in the bulldogs of this state rather than each other.” A teary-eyed Charles Bishop (R-Jasper) silently nodded his agreement from his position to Barron’s left rear on the dais, marking the first time the two had been within ten feet of each other without Alabama State Troopers between them since Bishop famously punched Barron out on the floor of the State Senate back in June. “We gotta do this for the people of Alabama! If mutual hatred of bulldogs can bring me and Bishop together, we can bring the whole state together,” Barron stated before being sobbing and falling into the arms of Parker Griffifth (D, Huntsville).

MSU - Bully Auburn head coach Tommy “Ears” Tuberville received word of the bulldog ban with joy. “Just Thursday, Brandon Cox was walking down by Toomer’s Corner when this little old lady and her bulldog scared him so bad, he threw another interception.” Tuberville refused comment on whether this would affect Cox’s playing status.

News of the ban was not well-received on the hill at Alabama A&M University, whose mascot is also the Bulldogs. President Robert R. Jennings, under fire for perceived wrong-doings in his first year as president, seized upon the opportunity to distract the AAMU Trustees and students from investigating him. “This outrage will not stand! Once again, the folks in Montgomery have forgotten us up here in Normal,” Jennings said when reached via telephone. UAH President Dr. David Williams would not comment on the record, but did indicated off the record that he expressed concern over the broad brush applied by Montgomery. [Ed.: Williams also wanted to discuss the matter of UAHuntsville on the record, but our reporter hung up the phone on him.]

University of Tennessee football coach Phil Fulmer expressed concern of the state’s mistreatment of dogs. “What next?” he asked. “If we beat the Tide on October 20th, are blue tick hounds the next thing to go?”

Michael Vick’s attorneys had no comment on the matter.

[Thanks to and Mississippi State for images of their respective mascots. Oh, and for beating both Alabama and Auburn and making my week. I love it when the Tide and the Aubies both lose. Warms my heart.]

Office Slam!!!

I first saw this three years or so ago. My friend Peter Welle, who works with a group called RockTV at his Minneapolis area church, sent it to us; they do a weekly TV program as part of their ministry, and part of it is fake commercials and gags. Office Slam!!! is a goofy takeoff on Girls Gone Wild videos, but instead, it’s office workers doing stupid [and I mean … stupid] pranks.

It runs a little long, but it’s wickedly funny. So funny that, when we first watched it, I thought Scott was going to laugh himself into hyperventilation.