Yes, I am alive.

Albeit barely.

As fall returns and students head back to dorm rooms almost as small as my bedroom in our apartment, UAH always has festivities for the incoming freshmen. Like a fool, I’ve been involved with them every year, once as a freshman [well, I wasn’t really a freshman, but close], the last four years as a helper in some degree. Last year, I was almost in charge [or was, depending on who was asking]. This year, I’m just Security Man.

Do: Wear an orange shirt.

Don’t: Wear an orange shirt two sizes too small. Even if it’s free.

Do: Carry a flashlight, preferably a Maglite, for seeing into the crowd.

Don’t: Go out into the crowd, especially if they’re hockey players, especially if they all know you, especially if the reason you’ve been going out there is to keep them from starting crowdsurfing–unless you want to crowdsurf yourself. [They didn’t get me off the ground very far, but if they had, I was a goner. I love those guys.]

Do: Wear light clothing.

Don’t: Wear it all day, especially if your socks have been wet for 12 hours and your feet resemble something old people eat for regularity’s sake.

Do: Take your shoes off.

Don’t: Park across the parking lot before doing so.

Do: Drink plenty of fluids.

Don’t: Drink any caffeine.

Do: Write this all up on your bloody weblog.

Don’t: Write it up at the SGA Office, because now, YOU FREAKING MORON, you have to drive home. And walk across the parking lot. Barefoot. Where hockey players probably roam. And won’t let you not crowdsurf this time. Moron.

Do: Stop before you’ve babbled into the nothingness of existence.

Don’t: Even think about setting your computer before going to bed. Not even for a minute.

Do: Pass Go.

Don’t: Collect 200USD.