Auctioneer

Well, let me explain the whole “buy me a woman” thing to everyone. As Todd came in last night, he said, “Man, I’m going to have to ask Samantha what she thinks about prostitution, seeing as you bought a date with her for $100.” My reply is unprintable on this site, as we do try to keep this a family-friendly environment … at least on alternate Wednesdays in odd months.

UAH is running a charity event called Up ‘Til Dawn with St. Jude’s Hospital in Memphis. U. Memphis [formerly Memphis State] did the first one several years ago, and they have been spreading the idea throughout the country. The idea is this: get a bunch of kids together, some bands, have the kids raise money to stay up all night, have a good time–a press-friendly event that pumps people up and has college kids hyped up on raising money.

One of the fundraisers the group did this year was an auction. I was the auctioneer. I got this job approximately eight minutes before showtime, when I went up to Samantha and said, “You need an auctioneer for this, don’t you?” Don’t ask how I ever learned how to do this. [Okay, I just listened to the rhythm once. I talk a lot. It follows naturally.] So I was up there.

Super Star! Then the lovely Samantha herself came up for bid. Evil bastard that I am, I had a plan. Sam had come up to me Monday night during the SGA meeting and asked if I was coming to the auction. To me, that’s tantamount to saying, “Hey, come bid on me.” Maybe not in her world, but in mine, hey, this is my story, dammit. So I had gone to the ATM machine just before and pulled out $100. This is charity, right? I told Leonard what I was going to do, and then the fun really started.

I read Sam’s little card, same as I had for everyone else. We had been starting the bidding at $4 and going up in $2 increments until we got above $30 or so, when I kicked it up by $5 increments. With Sam, I started the bidding myself at $60. One or two other guys I knew were planning to bid, but that took them out real quick-like. Leonard, back in the back, had one of his guys bid me up to $100. [I figured that’s what he was up to, anyway.] So we got to $100, and Randy knew I could go higher if need be, but he was like, “I knew you had the cash in hand, so that’s where I let you stop.” I think she was floored. The crowd went nuts, to be sure.

So, now I got a date with dear old Sam. She’s supposed to cook dinner for everyone [why she came up with that for an idea, I’ll never know] who was bid upon and their dates, but I think I’ll fix that. Now I just have to figure out where I’m going to really take her … kid needs to go on a real date, dammit. I’m open to suggestions…

Oh, and in case you’re curious, this photo is from a modeling shoot she had done. Somewhere this summer, I’m going to find the time to put her portfolio of photos on the line. She’s cute, eh? I’m glad she got into modeling as a nice, harmless way of making money. She’s definitely not going to take off her clothes or anything … if you think that, well, you just don’t know her at all. 🙂

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