Dammit!

I knew this was going to happen. I knew that I’d hit my room and then not be able to fall asleep. Grrrr!

Oh well. At least I’m not thinking about some of the things I spent all weekend thinking about. I’m just … drifting on through thoughts as they pop up. I was talking with someone today who, when I asked what they were thinking about, said, “Nothing.” Now, how nice would it be for me to shut my brain off?

The only time I’m not consciously thinking about 45 things at once is when I drive. When I drive, the “driving” part of my brain engages and everything else disengages. I guess it’s a defense mechanism I learned when I used the 179 mile drive from Columbus to Forest in my MSMS years to decompress a bit before I got home and hit the Real World again, where the people aren’t whacked out on a weird concoction of sleeplessness, stress, and group dementia.

I remember [if that’s the right term] a drive home where I don’t remember half the drive. I remember calling Mom from the gas station where I always gave a “this is where I am” update [a Texaco in Brooksville, Miss. on US 45 … if you’ve been through there, you know it], since it always took right at two hours from that point for me to get home. The next thing I consciously remember, I was in Meridian, 75 miles south. My truck stereo had shut off the tape I was listening to long before, and I’d been driving in absolute silence for at least 15 minutes … and never noticed.

I guess that’s why I took a long drive the other night … I needed to shut down my mind, close off the voices, and let myself just live in the moment for a while. I didn’t completely shut down, though, because I listened to Michael Moore [Roger and Me, Downsize This] ramble on about his latest book, Stupid White Men. I listened to him and earnestly thought about what he was saying … more than half of which I disagreed with, but still worthwhile. But other than listening, thinking, and driving, I did nothing.

This is odd, because the rest of the time, I’m thinking about four things at once. For example, while I’m rambling on through this entry, I’m thinking about:

1) How much I love listening to Marty and Joe call Reds games, and how spending $14.95 for a summer’s worth of Internet rebroadcast of Reds games is a good idea

2) Kettering, Ohio, and my memories of it, since one of the guys in the promotional inning that the Reds do during their broadcast was from there … the guy batting for him was Todd Walker

3) That I remember saying that the Todd Walker trade for Alex Ochoa was a really good idea last year, and it was, although he’s not hitting so well

4) I’m rambling so much that I really should make this a journal entry, but I’m too lazy to open a new browser window and copy things over

5) How happy I’ll be when Amy’s CMS is done, and I can use it like I’d like to use GM

and

6) How this might just convey how divergent my thinking can be at times.

Seriously, I thought about all that while I was writing the previous paragraph. The words were spilling out from my fingertips, I was listening to the clackety-clack of my keyboard, and I was thinking about all of that and listening to Marty do play-by-play [I prefer him doing p-b-p and Joe doing color, and it wasn’t that the last inning]…

And this whole entry has either:

1) Confused you.

B) Enthralled you.

III) Left you nodding, since you understand what I’m talking about here. [Hi, Lynda!]

Does anyone but me have a “popcorn thought” mind process? It leaves me wondrous that I can even begin to think as an engineer should, given how absolutely non-linear my thinking process is at times. It requires a lot of energy to focus those thoughts and marshal the divergence into semi-order, which probably explains why I was so tired when I got home today, and why I really should think about getting back to bed, since that’s what this entry was supposed to be about in the first place–me being pissed off that I’m not dead to the world!

Good night.

2 comments

  1. Don’t feel too bad. I screwed myself over when I got home from work about 5:30 this evening and said "I’ll just lie down while my computer boots up."

    …3 hours later, I’m awakened by a phone call from my brother to see if I’m meeting him for dinner. I decline.

    Talk about screwin’ with the sleep schedule.

  2. I completely understand the popcorn thought process. It’s why I’m trying to pick back up meditation and hoping that yoga will help. Meditation is the only time in a day when my mind isn’t going off into a thousand different thought processes at once. It also makes it really hard to concentrate in class.

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